September 30, 2017
Isay, Senior High School Student
Laguna, Philippines

I’m just an 18year-old senior high school student. At this stage of being a teenager, I know madami pa kong pagdaanan dahil wala pa akong napapatunayam. Ang alam ng parents ko school bahay lang ako. They didnt even know na may boyfriend ako. Madami pako gustong gawin kase ayokong may masabe sila. Anyway, here’s the story of my worst nightmare.

I expected my period on august 16, chill lang kame ng boyfriend ko kahit wala pang nadating. We’ve been sexually active that time pero alam nyang hindi ako mabubuntis. After a week wala padin akong mens so kinakabahan nako and I started seaching some pregnancy signs na pwede kong maramdaman, pero wala naman nag tugma sakin. I asked my boyfriend na ibili na nya ko ng Pt para malaman na namin. Nag pt ako after my class, there’s two lines pero faint line lang yung isa, I dont know kung anong ibig sabihin nung faint line, baka negative so I searched about it, positive. Haha I dont know kung anong mangyayare saken. Di ako maka paniwala, parang panaginip lang. Di pwedeng malaman ng parents ko. Takot at hiya yung nangingibabaw sakin at ayoko maging katulad nung mga teen moms na nahihirapan ngayon sa buhay nila.

Sinabi ko agad sa boyfriend ko kase hindi talaga pwedeng ituloy yun. We’re both students at hindi talaga pwede, hindi ko manlang matatapos kahit senior high? Ayokong pumasok sa school ng buntis, ayokong umuwi samin ng buntis, at ayokong malaman ng classmates at friends ko na buntis ako. Ayaw nya pumayag nung una dahil kasalanan daw yung gagawin namin at madami syang kilala na tinutuloy yung pagbubuntis but ended up living miserably kase walang trabaho at kawawa lang ang baby at ayokong mangyari sa amin yun. Pumayag din sya kase inexplain ko na hindi talaga pwede.

I searched about this herbal way of inducing pregnancy, the parsley, dong quai, and vitamin c combination. Wala pa kaming pera ng boyfriend ko noon, plus wala din kaming mabilhan ng dong quai capsules, we even get to the point na kailangan namin ibenta ang phone nya at gamitin yung pera para sa fieldtrip ko haha. So pagka bili namin lahat ng kailangn, I followed the instructions na naging mahirap dahil kailangan kong itago yung pag inom ng parsley. Every midnight lang ako nainom. Then hindi din naging successful in the end.

Nag isip pako ng ibang way, binasa ko lang ng paulit ulit yung email ni ateng blogger and dun ko nakilala si project486, nung una may doubt ako kasi baka mahal kase medical abortion yun. But then I searched about it at nagbasa na din ako ng mga reflections from the patients. I talked to my boyfriend about it, na safe naman siguro at sigurado kasi may mga refelections akong nabasa. On my 6th week I emailed project 486, then sinunod ko yung instructions and requirements nila. Nag phone consultation na din, nalaman kona yung price ng medicines. Then hindi ulit naging madali para samin ng boyfriend ko maghanap ng money dahil parehas kaming students. It took 3weeks bago namin makumpleto yung payment. Nag start na din magtaka si mama kasi di daw ako nagka mens last month tas ngayon wala padin. Sobrang frustrated ako that time and iwas na iwas nalang ako tuwing uuwi ako ng bahay.

On my 9th week, Nakumpleto na namin yung money. Nag away pa kami ng boyfriend ko bago namin isend yung payment kay sir John, parang gusto nya umatras sa gagawin namin 🙁

Sept 18 monday, makukuha na namin yung package kaya nag start na agad ako ng low folate diet, it’s quite hard kase mabilis ako mag crave. 1st day low folate diet , fasting at mifepristone intake – ang hirap. 2nd day ang hirap padin kasi ang sarap ng dinner namin, at hindi ako pwedeng hindi kakain kase baka mahalata ni mama so di nasunod yung diet 🙁 hehe

3rd day!! I don’t know how can I describe my 3rd day seriously.

I started vaginal misoprostol at 7am, then buccal miso at 11am. I felt so much pain dahil tumatalab na yung meds. Hindi naging tolerable ng hot compress yung puson ko so I have to take ibufropen with water, swerte ko naka inom ako kahit konting water hehehe. Naghintay ako until 4pm at nagwoworry nako kasi baka matagalan yung paglabas ng POCs. Sobrang masakit na sa likod yung pag higa ko ng 8hrs and gutom at uhaw na din ako. But Before I started the next buccal miso intake, I feel like I’m about to defecate. I immediately go to the cr then I felt something came out from my V. As expected, it was my baby, my blood, my flesh. I’ve seen it as the most awful and difficult scenario I’ve ever experienced. It doesn’t matter how I suffered the pain throughout the procedure, what makes it more painful was seeing my boyfriend feel those emotional pain that I am trying to hide from him, na kahit ang hirap sakin, ako nalang yung umintindi at hindi kona inisip yung nararamdaman ko.

He saw our baby, na hindi nya alam kung ano yung mararamdaman nya, ayaw nya magalit sakin but I know deep down his soul kasalanan ko yun. Nag aaway kami, naging cold yung treatment nya sakin. He told me na pinatay ko yung anak nya. Mas depressed pa sya sakin after I’ve successfully overcome the procedure 🙁 1week after hindi padin kami okay, nakaka guilty lang kase yung ginawa ko that pinilit ko tiisin kahit ang sakit nung naging decision ko. I was not able to let my baby see this world. I was not able let my baby born. It sucks knowing that it will be forever in my heart but then I cant do anything to bring it back. That’s why bakit naging ganon ang boyfriend ko, dahil naging mahina at takot ako. I couldn’t do anything but Intindihin sya at maging strong para saming dalwa. I’ve learned to choose my life and accept these consequences. Lavan lang!

Thank you so much project486! without your existence siguro najombag nako ng nanay ko. Thank you so much sir John! Sir Alex!