People would probably say it was my choice, yes it was. But… choice doesn’t mean ease. People don’t know about the waiting room..the tears that came later ..the dreams that still visits.. I didn’t do it because I didn’t love you. I did it because I loved myself just enough to know I couldn’t survive giving you a life that would break me to pieces.
Hello Project 486 and to everyone reading this. I just want to share my medical abortion experience and I hope you cannot just relate but learn from my story as well.
Midako ko sa usa ka very conservative nga pamilya and I am Pro-life and I believed that giving birth and raising a baby is a blessing and a gift, until such time it happened to me – I was given the best gift at a very wrong time.
I panicked. My partner and I were not yet ready to become parents emotionally, physically and most of all, financially. We just landed our dream job and would require us to travel most of the time separately…And as of karon, di pajud enough amo salary to support ourselves how much more ug naa nay baby. We want what’s best for our baby and we want nga if magka baby me di me maglisod nga ihatag tanan niyang panginahanglan. We made a very difficult and painful decision. Abortion.
In the Philippines, abortion is against the law and it’s really hard for women , especially those who are struggling because they cannot have access to proper care and a most safest way to end pregnancy without being judged, ostracized, or worse being called a criminal. Naglisod me ug pangita who can help us. Aside sa daghan kaayo scammers sa internet, most of the service are overseas. We didn’t want nga maapil mi sa mga biktima and so we contacted project486 thru Alex in their webpage. We read the stories and look at the commentswhich gave us assurance that this is legit.
I was then forwarded to my assigned consultant Dr. JJ. Who has been so informative and so helpful throughout the process.
Wala jud mibiya si Dr. JJ even after the procedure. When we received the package, kulbaan me kay basin ug na scam me since the packaging very subtle and unassuming jud. Inside the bottle were the 2 capsules of real Mifepristone, 8 tablets of CYTOTEC misoprostol and a few anti-hemorrhagic tablets just in case of severe bleeding. Days 1 and 2 (Mifepristone days) were like normal days, I felt no discomfort, no nausea and no vomiting and nka trabaho pa ko without any pain but the most challenging part was ang light meal and fasting since binge eater jud ko but I managed to endure the hunger. Day 3 was the day nga medyo kulba na kaayo ko and the day nga I’m was having second thoughts but I knew it’s already too late kay nka 2 mifepristone nako. I took the first 2 miso vaginally and 2 miso buccally at 4:00PM as scheduled and the first 2-3 hours minor cramps lang and then I took the last 4 miso, 2 bucally and 2 sublingually at 8:00pm and that’s when I started bleeding. It was the most painful hours of my life since the pain was like 10-10. It was like having a very heavy period, excruciatingly painful cramps, stomach ache, diarrhea and GERD at the same time. I was really sweating cold that I felt it on my spine. At around 10:00pm naa nay migawas so we looked at the diaper and saw there big clumps of blood and then came after was a very small embryo still intact, wrapped in a protective transparent shell-like bubble attached to its placenta. I scooped it using my hand and though I don’t want to see it and be traumatized my entire life but I was just staring at it and had the chance to have a glimpse of my dear baby, the most beautiful “thing” that we’ve ever created, but the most hardest to keep at the moment.
I cried hard after, every night, every waking day I can’t stop thinking about my baby. I can’t forget what Dr. JJ told me and ge pin jud ni siya ni Dr. JJ for us to think it thoroughly before ta ever mu decide to go with the MA. “One important piece of advice before you finalize your decision, if you have even the slightest hesitance, don’t do it. Just bring the pregnancy to term. However, if you think that terminating the pregnancy is your only option then don’t settle for less”
To Dr. JJ.
I can’t thank you enough. You’ve been so kind and very informative. Every time I asked you something and everytime naa koy doubts and confusions, you were really there to give your thoughts, your knowledge and your expertise. I was grateful to you and your team, for guiding us and saving us from a potentially dangerous and harmful incident even amd possible death, if we opt to end pregnancy in an unsafe way, some were even scammed that caused some women to lose their sanity but with your team, we were really looked after and you made sure jud nga safe me while doing the procedure. Ug nag bilar me (or awake most of the time) you’re still there bisan pa ug kadlawon you were ready to assist and guide us. Again, I can’t thank you enough.
To my Baby,
I never named you (in my heart and mind, I did) but I think about you when the house is quiet. I never held you, but I still feel the space where you could have been. People would probably say it was my choice, yes it was. But I hope people will understand that the choice doesn’t mean ease, they speak in absolute… life or death, right and wrong but wouldn’t mention the what ifs and second thoughts and the in betweens. People don’t know about the waiting room, and they couldn’t see the tears that came later and the dreams that still visits when I sleep. I didn’t do it because I didn’t love you. I did it because I loved myself just enough to know I couldn’t survive giving you a life that would break me to pieces. I wish I had more TIME, more MONEY, more SUPPORT, more anything. But what I had was fear, what I had was a bathroom floor, cold tile under my feet and cold sweat running down my spine and a decision that felt more like surrender than strength. I carry you with me not as a SHAME but as something SACRED, something SILENT, something REAL. You are not a mistake or an accident, you were a moment and I remember you still. I’ll see you someday, and I’ll make sure that on that day, I AM READY AND ABLE TO GIVE YOU THE LIFE YOU DESERVE.