My Story – PRJCT486-101123Vn

Hi,

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Just wanted to share my story. And I hope this helps other women who are going through or will go through the same thing I did.

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I have irregular menses so when my period didn’t “arrive” when I was expecting it, I didn’t think much of it. But when I started feeling symptoms that are more common to pregnancy than PMS, I started to worry.

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Still… I didn’t really have time to worry about it. With work, life, and everything in between, I was too busy to notice the other symptoms until I checked my period tracker and saw that I was 90+ days delayed!! It was only then that I had to seriously consider the possibility that I was pregnant. I immediately started looking for options on how to terminate it while I still could.

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You see, I was in no position to get pregnant at this point in my life – I have a lot of responsibilities as it is and I cannot handle another child. Work takes a toll on my daily life and I am at a very crucial stage of my career. I am sure that an unplanned pregnancy will get in the way. My partner is 20 years my senior (I’m 31) and I know he won’t be able to support me with our child in the next 20-something years. I didn’t want to raise a child alone.

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As I was searching (incognito) the internet for solutions, I stumbled upon Project 486. I immediately reached out and told them I needed help. They responded almost immediately and asked for a couple of things (PT, details, etc.). I asked my partner to buy me a couple of PT kits and I did it as soon as I woke up, then another one after a few hours. Both came out positive, confirming a very real fear of mine that I’ve been trying to avoid for the last few months.

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Once I was able to submit everything via email, I was scheduled for a consultation. It was a very educational and non-judgmental conversation. I was filled with relief as we went through the process and everything – I know that sounds horrible, but we all have different reasons why we choose to do the things we do. Sometimes, the circumstances are just not great.

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I wasn’t able to follow the initial schedule we wanted to because I work the graveyard shift and I had a bad case of allergies, But Dr. JJ was very accommodating and revised it for me. After that, the rest went as planned. After 2x Mife, I set off to do my 1st round of Miso (4x vaginal). After 4 hours, I felt a slight “kick” in my abdomen, then a very urgent need to pee – I knew it was time. I felt the very same sensations when I gave birth so I recognized the feeling quite well.

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The POC came out in one piece. I felt a dozen emotions at that time, but the one that prevailed was the thought that I’d like to dispose of it ASAP. I sent the photo to Dr. JJ and waited for his go signal to get rid of it. I didn’t want to look at it any more than necessary, not because I hated it, but because it made me want to hate myself. Once Dr. JJ gave the green light, I wrapped it carefully and decided to put my emotions aside for now.

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I handed it over to my partner and said nothing. My mind was blank. I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to think.

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Dr. JJ instructed me to do the 2nd round of Miso (2x buccal). I did so and when it was done, we discussed post-op reminders. In my mind… “It’s all over.”

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My partner and I very briefly talked about it the following day. Yes, he’s 20 years older than me, but I always have the final say in our household. So he knew that when I said I was going to terminate the pregnancy, there was no sense in convincing me otherwise. But I told him he’s free to talk to me about it now – what’s done is done. He said he cried when I told him about what I planned to do and that he knew and understood my reasons but it doesn’t mean he approved of it. He didn’t take a stand because he respected my decision and he will love me no matter what.

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In the end, I said sorry to the POC, I apologized to myself, and I humbled myself to God. I knew it was a sin, but I also knew that raising a child in this cold, tough world would be yet another sin. In my mind, I went with the lesser of two evils. My partner buried him in our backyard and we lit a candle for him/her. It was heartbreaking and relieving at the same time. It was such a mix of emotions but I thought, “this might be normal”. And I now believe that it was.

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It wasn’t an easy process and not one that I would like to go through again. But for anyone who needs support like I did, Project 486 is here. I am thankful that they are around to help women make decisions for themselves and not be bound by social norms and expectations. Let’s stop being hypocrites – terminating a pregnancy in its early stages is way better than raising a child in loveless, stressful conditions. A life of hardship is not some “gift” any parent would like to give their child. So if you know you’re not ready emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially – DO NOT HESITATE to get in touch with Project 486. Let’s break the cycle of raising children under pressure, and in the end, blame them for the opportunities we missed, the sacrifices we needed to make, and all the other bullshit that the previous generation raised us in.

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To the Project 486 team: I wish you the best. I hope you continue the work that you do despite the stigma that surrounds this matter. The people you helped, myself included, are grateful that you exist.