April 27, 2017

Airam, 37, BPO

Taguig City, Metro Manila

Philippines

 

Hi Sir Alex,

Here is my story.
Apologies for it being very detailed & long.

Thank you again 🙂

—— ——- ——-

April 22, 2017
So I told myself, this is The Day… i know I was prepped and emotionally & rationally ready to finally do the task.

Fashback to February 11. It was my fiancés birthday and we had a date. Staycation mode, celebrated and had a blast. Double celeb since it was Valentines in a few days too. My period ended 1 day before Feb 11 so I said to myself “its ok, for the longest time, we don’t get pregnant naman and I’m kinda safe”.
So he asksd me again if we are safe when we were about to do the deed, else he well take the precautions on his end. i was cocky & complacent and said “yup we are…”

After a week and a half or so, I noticed something different about myself. I was craving for sweets (i love sweets but am cutting down because I want to loose a bit of weight because me & my fiancé were on diet mode) Its normal for me at work fhat I would buy donuts or chocolates but those weeks were unusual. Daily I would buy 2 salted caramel donuts from krispy kreme ot tofffee caramel donuts from dunkin donuts when krispy kreme didn’t have the salted caramel ones. I was also having rice cravings too & craving for a particular dish that my fiancé prepares, so i asked him to prepare a big batch for me so i can take it to work daily and just store it in the fridge. He obliged.
I noticed also that my boobs are getting unusuallly more sore & tender, I thought it was because I will have my period soon. My pre menstrual cramps were also there so I thought everything was normal. I noticed too that my clothes were getting a bit tighter too. I thought it was because of stress eating and sweets eating that I’m gaining a few pounds.

I was expecting my period on March 2. My period came like clockwork. But no period. I also give my partner the heads up that i will be having my period so he will expect me to be bitchy & masungit. I told him that maybe the next day or the day after.
March 5: For curiosity’s sake, I researched about the signs and symptoms of early pregnancy. I was now having that white milky discharge.

March 6: Was kinda getting edgy that i still dont have my period. My boobs were still uncomfortably sore & my cramps were still there. What i didnt have was the nausea or morning sickness.
I went back to my fertility app/tracker and backtracked, I ovulated Feb 16. So i was kinda getting worried that this time, we may have conceived.

Then ny partner asked me if i had my period na, sabi ko “no yet” So he told me na if wala pa, I buy the PT na. I told him na “baka delayed lang” because of stress sa work. That time, i was kinda panicky na but was not making it obvious. I was also researching na for Plan A If we decide not to keep the baby…. if ever.

I even thought of telling my partner na I had my period na so he will not worry. And me being inependent, would do Plan A w/o me telling him. So my Plan A that I found online was dong quai w/ vitamin C and parsley. The instructions advised it was better used 2 weeks after your last menstrual period (if you suspect you are preggy) because vitamin C apparently inhibits progesterone ( making it hard for the embryo to implant itself in the uterine wall after conception) and parsley has lots of vit c. Dong quai on the other hand makes your uterus contract & expel out. I was on my 4th week from my last menstrual period, so for purposes that it might work, i bought a bottle of vitamin c and took 2 tablets every hour. I didnt have the extra money yet to buy dong quai since its not yet payday.

March 8: Still no period, I bought 2 PT’s before going to work and used one kit. One line & a faint pink line. I felt my world quake & fall. Rationally, i did my research and yep, i may be pregnant.

March 9-11: After contemplating long & hard, I made my 50/50decision. Keep it or not.

March 12: I faced the music and told my partner that i took the PT the week before and it was maybe positive. I was crying when I handed him the PT. he looked at it & just hugged me, consoled me & told me that it will be alright. We had long talks on the days that followed. He asked me what I wanted to do. I was silent, then I told him “kala ko kaya ko to, hindi pala” We weighed everything and made the final decision, hard as it is. He suggested meds, I suggested my Plan A and told him that if that does not work, we’ll go Plan B (meds)

My partner & i are still building our nest, trying to save, sort off living from paycheck to paycheck. He is supporting some family members, same as I was. So we knew we are not ready financially. We want kids, we already have names, gender preferences, big plans.. But we are not ready yet.
Another problem that we are facing is my fiancés ex. They are in the process of anulling their civil union so we are still waiting They have one child & she is kinda asking for unreasonable thingies & sort off adding to issues. She is not yet over him (even if they broke up, 2010 pa due to unreconcilable differences) She threatens to manggulo and raise hell if her wants are not met. My partner loves his child & will do everything. I on the other end am an know that the kid means a lot to him.
Waiting for a court decision in the Philippines is a long & costly process. Stressful, taxing & crazy.

I don’t want to have my own kid dawning on a very stressful situation or worse. We dont want our kid to be embroiled in this draggy mess. Kami na lang, kesa our child. Awayin na kami, wag lang anak namin.
Those are partly the reasons why we had to go through with Plan A & eventually Plan B (project486)

March 13: I went fo Vitahub in Greenhills to purchase 2 bottles of dong quai. Started the herbal combo w/ parsley infusion & Vit C tablets.

March 18 & 21: Purchased a more expensive dong quai from a reputable online seller, hoping it will really work. Doubled every dosage of the meds. Every 2 hours. just felt cramping but no bleeding.

March 24: took another PT… 2 lines pa din, I was hopeless na about the herbal meds.
March 29: i was tired of taking meds, starting to abhor parsley & is already stressed out because all feel is cramps, no spotting and no miscarriage. Plus i am feeling the aches and fatigue. Extra sleepy ako sa work, hingal na ko everytime i walk up and down the mrt stairs kasi sira ang elevator.

When i told my partner that i wanted to go w/ Plan B, he was supportive and told me that whatever decision i will make, he will respect, as long as he knows i’m safe… He is ok w/ it.

He asked me again if I really wanted this.. I told him, yes i’ve made up my mind. I also told him that whatever effect the herbal meds did to our little one is irreversible. So its logical that we follow up w/ Plan B.

Do not misunderstand that we dont want to have kids. We do, just that… we don’t want our child to be a victim of circumtance.
Same as I, he is a rational being.

March 30: i emailled Project486…
April 10: I consulted w/ Sir John & he told me everything. Answering my queries and telling me what to expect, he told me to weigh my options and pointers on getting authentic meds.

April 15: Partner & I were on a roll. Finding ways to make the package payments, making ends meet.
April 20: Almost d-day. Low folate diet was bearable.
April 21: Miso day was uneventful, just made me cranky in the latter part of the day.
April 22: D-Day. Checked in to a place near where bf is working so he can constantly check up on me. We both work in the BPO sector so its kinda hard for him to constantly check on how I was doing. Before he left for work, he dropped by to see if I was doing what Sir John was instructing me to do, me not being pasaway.

April 22: 10pm
Cramping was hell. Done w/ the bucal miso an hour earlier. Was listening to a fave ebook while timing the in between periods of cramping & no cramping. 1min40 secs for pain, 30secs respite. Bach now aches from lying in bed in one position only. I was kinda panicked that It will not work because I am almost 11 weeks into my pregnancy. I was praying for deliverance and respite.

April 23: 12 midnight. Final crampy pain & felt something gush out & felt something like an elastic band snap inside me. I was kinds relieved & kinda anxious at the same time.
April 23: 1am. Last bucal miso: 30 mins after, I decided to get out of bed and do the documentation.

For me, documenting was easy, Rational as I am, i know this had to be done. I was never afraid of blood and not afraid to see lots of it. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a doctor you see, I had a penchant for keeping calm despite the circumstances.

Blood…My adult diaper was filled with it, lots of it. Lots of clots & tissue. Nitpicking through it w/ my fingers & identifying whatever there is seemed normal. Found the placenta and oodles of clots.
I found my baby last, it was lodged away from the clots & blood. I think that was what I felt when the snappy pain, it was him/her who was the source.

I accidentaly touched the embryo and felt something cold. I froze… I slowly picked it up and was unprepared to see my 10 week old baby, dead and cold. Already complete with its hands w/ 10 fingers across its heart and legs and feet. Eyes and ear nubs. 6 ribs on each side of its body. He/she was about an inch long.

With tears streaming down my face and me talking to it and asking for forgiveness, I memorized every detail of his/her body.
It took me hours to document it. I did not even update my partner on what has transpired.

I was unconsolable, yet I know what had to be done.
I slowly wrapped him/her in cotton and tissue paper and put him/her in the box where the meds were sent in. I covered the top w/ tissue & put my blessed rosary on top of it before closing the lid. Making sure that the contents will not be damaged. I had to put him/her somwhere so I can bury him/her properly afterwards.
I slept for 2 hours or so. Woke up, still unconsolable.

My partner came in after work and found me crying; him not knowing what had transpired hours beforehand. Him, repeatedly and calmly asking me “what happened”
Me on the other hand was unconsolable still. Not answering his questions and just told him “i’m ok…”
Him telling me “you are not answering my question”
I can feel the frustration in his demeanor. So i told him not to get mad at me and just let me be.
Then he asked if it was already over… I said yes.

We really haven’t talked about it yet. Maybe when i’m ready.. I will tell my partner or maybe let him read this.

Writing this, helps… I am still not ok. I am still a work in progress… I know in time… We’ll be ok.

I asked our child to return when we are ready & understand our decisions.

—

Sometimes we make decisions that may make us or break us. The important thing is, just keep living, keep moving, have hope that someday, things will be alright.

I pray to all of you out there, have courage, strength and steel will to decide what is best for you.

Thank you project486 for all the help & assistance. Your support & no judgement consultation. Sir John for being patient & accommodating. Sir Alex & the nameless souls behind this organization.
Thank you for being our light and guide in this country where abortion is taboo.

– airam –
4/25/2017 5:01am

Addendum:

I remember my fiancè tellling me once that I was one of the “strongest” women he knows. Tapos I remember my partner, When I handed him my PT nung March and I was crying, and he was sort off unaffected and all… I remember him telling me afterwards, “alam mo kung bakit ako kalmado? Kasi kailangan isa sa atin kalmado or else, wala na…. ”

i know there are things he is not telling me and things he is not sharing with me. He is a very honest man though; but there are things he keeps to himself na I know affects him.
He is not much of an emotional person, but i can see and feel all what these are doing to him.
Please include him and other nameless men who are partners, husbands to women who have done this procedure in your prayers too 🙂

——

I was surprised myself na even though may crying episodes ako, i managed to write what i had written. I know this will not be a walk in the park. This will be a process of healing… One day at a time. Baby steps…

May kulang pa pala yan. I forgot to include this. If you may include this sa end ng story ko.

April 23 I was watching movies via usb connected to the tv. it helped to keep my mind off things. But the guilt, depression was nagging at me. i was glad its over but what is im my mind was the “what ifs…”
– “What if i kept the baby despite the circumstances…. at bahala na si batman… ”
– “What if i just broke off with my partner & told my parents na I’m pregnant and bahala na sila sa akin ng baby ko… ”
– “what if i just disappear from my partner’s life like nothing ever happened & throw away all the years of friendship & love….”

Rumble yung “what if’s” sa utak ko… i was angry w/ myself for being pasaway (partner has time again told me to use contraception pero ayaw ko, selfish ako na gusto ko lagi sya ang mag adjust sa akin or I do the calendar tracking)
I was angry with the world for being cruel.
Replay yung scenario na pagdating ng BF ko, aawayin ko sya, say hurtful words. Slap the heck out of him.
But pagdating nya, all i did was cry,,
Hindi ako nagwala or whatever…
Why?
i remembered reading about post partum depression dati. My mom telling me about it, my mommy friends telling me about it.

Then came Sir John’s SMS about hormones.
Depleting pregnancy hormones. Sir John told me na its normal na you feel a roller coaster of emotions like guilt, anger, depression afterwards.
Sabi ko sa sarili ko,, eto pala yun.
I even advised my partner about it na eto nga yun.

Women reading this, please tread carefully, please keep this in mind.
Maybe kahit saglit ka lang preggy, you will experience this. Paano pa kaya yung mga full term mommies? How expansive are their emotions after giving birth?! May mga nababaliw, suicidal even… we hear in the news, mga nanay pinapatay baby nila. Harsh reality that I don’t want to sugarcoat.
Im not an expert, but Ive felt it and yep its real….

—-
Sir John & Alex & the team.. Again…
May God bless you kindhearted souls, you who make a real difference 😍😍😍