Oct 27, 2016

Bea, English tutor

Valenzuela City, Metro Manila
Philippines

Hello Sir Alex.

Here is my reflection. 🙂 Thank you again.

I’ve been staring at my computer for several minutes now before
I was able to type down something. I’ve been pondering how to
start this and it seems like I’ve already lost my prowess and
it’s just heavy. Perhaps I just didn’t imagine that I’d be
writing and sharing this experience to others. I wanted to keep
this all to my self but I realized this is at least worth sharing
to those who might be in the similar situation as I was a few
days back. Let me begin my story by justifying why I did what I
did.
I am a working mom. I am living with my boyfriend for almost a
year now. We decided to live together before I gave birth to a
lovely baby girl. I gave birth early this year and we had to be
separated from our daughter because there’s no one to take care
of her here in the metro while my bf and I are working. To be
honest, life for us has been diffifult, financially that is,
after I delivered my baby. We didn’t expect that my delivery
would be a complicated one and that it meant a bigger expense
than what we’ve expected. To cut the story short, we’ve been
having difficulties managing our finances eversince I gave birth.
Nevertheless, we are able to survive eventhough we have a lot of
bills and debts to pay. My bf and I have managed to work and play
from time to time. We’ve agreed not to have another baby until we
settle everything. We’ve been living quite okay until well, what
we feared happened, an unexpected pregnancy. I was waiting for my
period to come in the first week of October but it never came. I
gave myself time and I thought maybe my period will just be a
little bit delayed. One, two, three weeks passed and still no
period. That’s when I felt nervous and decided to do a PT. My
intuition still never failed me. I confirmed I was pregnant and
immediately told my bf. He was not surprised anymore at all but I
couldn’t really tell what he was thinking. We were silent for a
short while and then I started crying. He hugged me and said
everything will be alright. Days passed until we talked and
decided what to do. Heaven forgive us but we’ve both decided and
agreed that we couldn’t continue the P. From then on, I searched
online some ways on how to induce a miscarriage (I didn’t want to
call it abortion at that time) and found several natural ways. I
tried some but after several dosages of various stuff, I finally
gave up because it didn’t seem to be working. I was desperate so
I continued my search until I came across a blog and I e-mailed
the writer. The writer recommended the same natural ways for
Option A and to my surprise, she included another option, Option
B. I was curious what Option B was so I searched for it and found
some testimonials of some ladies who underwent the process. As I
was reading through them I was asking myself, are these really
true? I was having doubts but because I was already decided to do
it, I’ve finally decided to contact them.
After I sent my first e-mail, I was quite anxious if they would
really reply. To my surprise, after a few hours I got a reply
from Sir Alex. He introduced what the project was and sent the
requirements I have to submit first before he could give me more
details about the procedure. It took me a few days before I
complied due to a little hesitation. After submitting what I have
to submit, I waited and finally was instructed to have a
consulation with Sir John. My hesitation grew bigger and so
again, it took me a few days before doing the consultation. I
honestly wasn’t very curious about the process, instead I was
more curious of how much it will cost. I was expecting we will be
spending a lot that’s why I was hesitant. When I finally got a
word from Sir John about the cost, I was a bit frustrated because
although the cost was not THAT high for my case, we were still
out of budget at that time. My bf took the initiative to look for
ways to raise that amount. It was a bit difficult at first
because we didn’t want to ask financial help from people we are
closed with. It was just another burden for us to include other
people. I thought to myself that if we couldn’t raise the money
in time (I was at 10 weeks at that time) then maybe I was not
meant to undergo the process and that made me feel really
depressed. I’ve been distracted at work and I couldn’t eat
properly for days until my bf texted me one day that he already
completed the money we needed to avail of the meds. That day my
bf accompanied me to where I could send in the money and as I was
lining up, I felt very uneasy. I was thinking, “What if this is
all just a scam? What will we do next?” But I already came that
far and I said, there’s no holding back. I contacted Sir John and
informed him that I already sent the money. Next day came and we
were very anxious if we’ll be able to really get a parcel
containing the meds. It finally came and as soon as saw the meds,
I felt relieved but scared. I finally realized that soon I’ll be
doing the procedure. I wasn’t sure if I was already physically
and emotionally ready. I had a few worries that we won’t be able
to follow the procedure properly and everything will fail.
Taking the first med was pretty fine. I was more scared with the
procedure on the 3rd day but I was still secured because my bf
was there with me as well as Sir John, who was very accommodating the whole time. He didn’t fail to give me reminders on what to do
next. After I took my 3rd dose of the meds, I lied down waiting
for what’s going to happen next. After a few hours, I felt like
something was coming out like I was having my period. I informed
Sir John about it. After the designated number of hours of lying
down, I again felt like there was something coming out so I
decided to grab a small bucket we prepared to collect whatever
was coming out of me. It suddenly gushed out of me in like a
couple of seconds (while I was sitting on the bucket). I sat
there for several minutes waiting for more to come out until I
felt like that was it for the moment. When I stood up I felt like
I was stripped off every bit of energy from my body. I fixed
myself and immediately lied down again. I think I was able to
take a nap. I gathered the energy I have left at that moment and
decided to examine everything that came out of me. As I was going
through what I’ve collected, I was able to take hold of a small
mass of something. I was surprised to see the little one. Tears
just started to fall and I started crying. I can’t exactly tell
how I felt that time. My bf just rushed to the bathroom and he
saw that little one on my palm. I couldn’t look at his face and
he just hugged me and started saying “Im sorry”. It took time
before I got my composure back. I just followed all the other
instructions that Sir John told me after that. After a day, I got
my final assessment from Sir John saying that I wasn’t pregnant
anymore. I felt relieved, sad, guilty all at the same time.
I still couldn’t imagine that I went through this process. I
apologize deeply to our little one and I just hope that he/she
will understand why we did it and forgive us for what we did.
I would like to thank the staff of Project 486 for being there
for me all through out the process. Truly I didn’t make a mistake
trusting you.
To all the other women who are in the same position as I was, I
am not encouraging you to do it if you have hesitations. Think
things over a hundred times and if you’ve finally decided to do
it, I strongly recommend you to trust Project 486.