Why did I get here?

 

 

Chasing my Dreams? Maybe it’s not too late.

Hi there! I’m Luna,

After my abortion, i lost myself, i keep crying straight for almost a month, i have no one to talk to and it took me 2 months to write or rewrite my story, i can’t express myself even just to write it down simply and to tell my story why i wanted to abort my baby and yes two months almost 3 na ata, before the incident happened, my boyfriend got me pregnant intentionally because he always wanted to build a family. He tried so many ways from his past relationship but unfortunately,It’s still unblessed. In the long run,he got what he always wanted,he got me pregnant and i didn’t expect that we were capable because i really thought may problema ako sa pagbuo.I was so scared when i found out that i’m 5 days delayed because i never missed my menstrual cycle.There’s part of me that maybe I’ll start to build my own family.

I keep thinking for all one knows, na di ko na talaga makuha yung mga dreams ko,I wanted to give up, inch by inch,i was pressured that i almost forgot,i still have dreams to catch up.

For now i’m still stuck up,i keep failing everyday, i really tried my best but still i got nothing.I don’t even have a job in view of the fact that i still giving high hopes for my small business kasi palugi na sya .
I was come to the point questioned myself if what i really want? My last hope is go to abroad.

 

Until one day, my family give notice that finally i got a slot para maka punta na sa Abroad, they were so happy while me di ko man lang ma express if what & how to react but i pretended na ang saya ko pero deep inside naman talaga, I’m delighted.

While waiting daw sa entry ko i have to dwell first, but i was anxious, i have to do something before it’s too late, i don’t want to dissapoint them, i was also their last hope.However, the first thing i did i went to the nearest OB-Gyn considering to know if how was my status,the baby, and how many weeks it is and for the reason that i was so stressed seeing that a lot of things occured to me before we found out.

As we ascertain knowing that our baby has a weak heart di ko alam anong susunod na gagawin kasi ang daming ipabili na gamot and i have to run some test and it’s pretty expensive to the point we have nothing left. Until things has been changed.

My boyfriend also not financially,emotionally and physically unstable.He lost his job, lost his phone, it’s so hard to reach him,he lost almost everything he had, but still,he managed to subdue despite of being broke.

He wanted to keep the baby, but i couldn’t imagine living my life right now knowing that my boyfriend keep lying to me,sometimes he’s nowhere to be found or i could not even reach him out and whereabouts did he come from? I understand he’s looking a way to fix our problem’s but he’s not telling me anything,i love him i really do but it’s getting worser, he was not able to stop the thing that we always fighting for.He promised me na ititigil na daw nya yung mga bagay na always namin pagtatalunan pero,He never did.

We were so miserable,i didn’t even notice ever since naging boyfriend ko sya, my life has been upside down by now, i thought this could be the end. Not untill one day he asked me to get an abortion, i was dumbfounded, i couldn’t believe what i just heard, I went to my room instantly i was lying in my bed crying and confused at the same time he made a point. He tried to explained it to me that he saw my struggles sa bahay namin everyday especially after he heard na pupunta na talaga ako sa abroad.

I was weeping every night, up to the time of, i became aware.I keep searching what pills should i be taking? i saw an article their’s a lot women out there desperately wanted to end their pregnancies.,Unfortunately, they got Scammed. But i never stop and i ended up this project486 by a mere chance, i read there articles about the victims and to those women like me who wanted to end it.

At first i was hesistant,i was afraid that what if they’re not real? Nevertheless,a bunch of evidence that they really helped a lot of women succesfully ended it. So i gave a shot, i drop sir Alex a message.In the next morning to my surprised, he responded and asking me and he really helped me out until he asked me to message Doc John. I messaged him, a load of questions because i want to make sure how legit they are because my boyfriend really knows what scammers can do,considering that he already experienced about how dominant scammers are.

I was in a battle,withstand on my own, until i couldn’t resist i have to do it with or without him i have to do something. At first it was complicated because i’m always uncertain i might not attentive enough to responsed their messages because i’m skeptical. I really appreciated their efforts and they keep enlightened me and putting me a lot of courage giving the both sides of how wonderful being as a mom and how good also to have an abortion kasi nagdedepende na talaga sa sitwasyon nang isang ina..

Until dumating na talaga ako sa punto na gagawin ko na talaga,i did everything sa mga bagay na bago gagawin yung procedure. Nanginginig ako sa kaba lalo na nung magbabayad na ako kasi iniisip ko,buo na ba talaga yung desicion ko? i can’t make up my mind especially i was alone doing all the task pero nagpapakatatag ako that i have to do it and, I really did.

Nung natapos ko na lahat wala akong ibang ginawa kundi mag antay na sa mga Medicine na ipinadala. I was shaking, and pabalik-balik kong binasa yung mga bagay na gagawin na pag natanggap ko na yung medication. And finally when i already received the package i was so nervous, pinalagpas ko muna mag birthday yung papa ko before ko gagawin to para di mapaghalata.

 

Ginawa ko yung procedure sa bahay lang,Day 1,parang wala lang yung na feel ko normal pa naman time to time i went to the bathroom to check may spotting ba sya, nong nag Day2 na sya medyo may na feel na ako parang nahihilo pero pinahinga ko lang and i’m glad my boyfriend is here to help me and project486 also monitored and communicating us,Hanggang nag advance na yung spotting ko pero kunti lang sya not until my Day3 parang mababaliw ako sa sakit nang puson ko, my boyfriend supporting me lagi sya na sa side ko putting hot compress to my abdomen at first kinakabahan kami kasi na notice na sa papa ko kung anong nangyari sakin, but we stayed calm and i told him my usual period cramps malapit nanaman at naniwala naman sya. Nong pagabi na, my boyfriend has no choice is to leave me kasi first day of work na nya sa bagong inaapplayan nya, i have no choice i was alone battling my own,i endured the pain,my fever was so high,i was crying pero kinaya ko lahat,tiniis ko, nilabanan ko na di ako masusuka para ma successful lang yung procedure until natapos ko talaga sa huling gabi na yun.

 

At first, i was trembling,in shocked that i couldn’t believed my eyes, i saw my baby, deformed and it still attached me, di ko matanggal i was paranoid na talaga that time di ko alam anong gagawin ko nag antay nalang ako mag response si Doc, i feel so much in pain that time,i was angry i can’t forgive myself even up till now. She/he’s forever my baby Zeke/Luna but i have no choice is to end it. I’m sorry my baby, forgive me,don’t get me wrong about this but i really love the living bit by bit grows inside of me naman talaga but unfortunately, i still have a lot of things to do and i can’t even give it to myself the things what i want and what more a future ahead of us? I can’t bear to give this shitty life what lies ahead.

 

I couldn’t thank you enough for guiding me project486 you support me with a great deal. As of now, it’s true what they warned about certain things if what i feel after this, i felt guilt,anger,Unforgivable, at the same time joy with fear but i was relief because this is what i truly want.

Till now i’m hoping for my recovery, my healing process and the acceptance that i badly need.

This is my second chance now to precise everything, to fix my relationship and myself also to be careful next time if this incidents of mine will happen again. But this time i want to build that both wanting it. Thank you again project486 i can’t promise this won’t occur to me again but i hope it really won’t.

-Luna