Midmonth of April 2026 when I found out that I was positive. At first I couldn’t believe, I just kept on crying and sobbing and literally don’t know what to do. The world seemed to stop. My boyfriend hugged me tight and it was a temporary relief and comfort. Both of us just froze and couldn’t say a word.
After a while and coming back to my senses, I felt a sense of mixed emotion, deep within, there is happiness knowing that I am blessed to be given such a privilege of becoming a mother, yet, I am also confused and worried of what the future lies ahead knowing my limitations, my present situation in life, and, the fact that I am solely dependent from my parents.
The next day, I again had my PTK for validation. It was the same as in the previous day, two red lines that undoubtedly confirmed that there is a new life inside me. Again, the pressure and the stress were building up inside me with so many reasons why I said to myself that this is not yet the right time for me to continue my pregnancy. I couldn’t disappoint my parents. They have high hopes and expectations from me and are generous in understanding me after all what I’ve been through. My partner also had the same mixed emotion of happiness and worries knowing and accepting his own financial incapacity to raise and be a responsible father in the future. In short, we are both not prepared to raise a child and neither that we want to become irresponsible parents.
As soon as we learned of the positive result coming from the PTK, we had an intimate and thorough talked with my partner and weighed all the possibilities, the pros and cons, the immediate and future consequences if whether we continue or not with my pregnancy. There were sleepless nights until we both decided that due to our present status and compelling reasons, we both decided to discontinue my pregnancy and look for ways and means on how we can do the process.
Perhaps, some who may read this entry will judge me and my partner that our decision was just to save ourselves and do away with responsibilities. Some may say that we are selfish and wanted only self-preservation. I fully will understand such opinions and comments. But the whole “picture” is not really shared in this entry. I was already 2 week delayed from my regular menstrual cycle and perhaps, I was already 4-5 weeks pregnant as per assessment from Dr. J who was very professional in giving us advice.
I do feel guilty that I lost a life in me, but, on the other hand, it would also be unfair for the child if he/she was born and that I and my partner could not give him/her a decent life.
At first, I was hesitant and doubtful when I happened to browse and read the many posts found at “Project 486” I was thinking maybe this is another scam. However, desperate that I was, I said to myself, how about if I will give this a try? Thus, the moment that I and my partner decided to have the procedure, my partner forwarded me the link to Project 486 which he happened to browse by chance.
The initial exchange of messages with Sir Alex brought a sense of relief, yet, there I was still a doubt whether the link is legit or not. My partner did the follow up inquiries with Sir Alex and soon with Dr. J. As I waited for any reply from Project 486 on my querries through email and chat was itself an agony. Each reply message from the team was a big deal for me and especially when the time for the transaction of the package was finalized.
Honestly, I was worried that I might be scammed and all my efforts and resources will be wasted. When I received a text message that the package is ready for pick-up, I still was doubtful until I and my partner opened and saw the meds.
There was a sigh of relief that made us trust the team at Project 486. The next thing to do was the procedure and we set a particular date where we could be alone and do the necessary procedure with the help of Dr.J.
I just wanted to share that Project 486 helped me and my partner in coming with an informed decision. The flood of information on the pros and cons of induced abortion is scientific and also realistic. The team, Sir Alex and Dr. J did not directly encouraged us to proceed with the procedure, they gave us options and alternatives until we can decide what is best for us in consideration of our current situation and the compelling reasons that helped us come to a final decision. In fact, there was even a post forwarded by Dr. J encouraging us to just proceed and continue with my pregnancy giving all the unknown possibilities that lies ahead. In short, the information given to us from the Team of Project 486 is a balanced information where we can really discern, evaluate, and, own our decision not because of fear but with the help of science and to a certain degree, an ethical choice of what to do or not to do.
Yes, it was a painful decision and a painful process but I am just thankful that Project 486 is here to assist and educate especially those who are not yet ready of pregnancy. Responsible parenthood is actually a two edged sword and may have a relative meaning depending on the circumstances and the given context. I don’t want to justify what I did, I still feel the loss of my would-be angel, I do feel guilty and I do not want to be hypocrite and simply say that it is all over, I pray for my unborn child and I ask for his/her understanding and forgiveness. I hope that this post will help those who are in difficult situation.
It was not an easy decision but it would have been more difficult without the professional assistance of the team from PRJCT 486. To the team, I thank you for your care towards your patients and those who are struggling to make an informed decision. Some things do happen for a reason. We may not understand it today, but certainly, nobody wants to abort a life especially, if life is a result of love. It just happened that we are not prepared and we were confident that withdrawal is safe enough when in fact, it is not.
Finally, each day is an opportunity to heal from my agony, pain and woundedness. I pray for healing and forgiveness to myself. Nobody is late to start all over again. I may not bring back the lost life that I carried for 4-5 weeks and it caused in me an emotional and psychological scar but I believe that the life lost in me is now in a better “place” compared to where I am now. Thank you. –Vanne/Ann