Before all of this, I thought I would be left with regret, guilt, or a sense of loss.

But I did not feel any of that.
What I felt… was FREEDOM

If people ask me how to describe the abortion I went through, I will say it felt like I was saved
from drowning. Not to sugarcoat it, but that is the closest way I can explain it. That is exactly
how it felt.

This whole experience was a surreal moment of uncertainty, the kind where we did not know
whether we would get out of it alive or not. We were two young, naive, graduating college
students who had yet to learn about everything, and suddenly we had to face the navigation of a
choice that felt bigger than both of us. If I look back at what happened in the past few weeks, it
all feels like a whirlwind. Everything happened so fast, but at the same time, it felt heavy while I
was in it. Like being on a long, bumpy road; you think it is never going to end, you feel every
rough part of it, but then one day, you look back and realize you have already passed it. And it is
not bumpy anymore.

It really began when we realized that my menstruation was two days late. Out of sheer panic, we agreed to test it out using a pregnancy test.

One of the things I learned during my short
pregnancy is that women really do know their bodies. We feel when something is different, when something is happening inside us, when something is being created or conceived, or maybe it is just me. But when I first saw the PT I took, I did not feel shocked. I did not panic the way I thought I would. Instead, it felt like everything suddenly made sense. In my head, I was like,
“Oh… so that’s why I’ve been nauseous every morning. That’s why I’ve been eating a lot. That’s
why my mood has been all over the place.”

But when he (my partner) saw the picture of the result, those two lines, he felt like he had to
adopt a different persona. It was as if he had to immediately “steel” himself because he was
going to be a father. We were both shocked, sure, but the happiness we both felt initially was
undeniable. I guess; there really is just something primitive about our brains going, “I’m going to
be a parent.” And for a moment, the idea of having a kid sounded like it would be us against the world.

But looking at both of our situations, it did not seem right.

Along with that realization, something else slowly settled in: fear. Not just simple fear, but the kind that grows the more you think about it. Fear of the future. Fear of the sacrifices me and my partner would have to make. The changes in our plans. The thought of letting go of my
ambitions. We thought about the expectations that our individual families have for the both of us.

We were both graduating and the breadwinners. A lot of expectations were placed on our
shoulders, including the life I had planned ahead of me. All of that kept replaying in my head.
Eventually we had to talk about it and consider abortion.

After a turbulent yet heartfelt discussion, we both had to decide, and we chose to not carry it to term.

At first, I thought that fear alone was enough reason. I thought being scared to continue the
pregnancy was already enough. I thought being afraid of judgment, of disappointing people, was
enough to make that decision. But I was wrong.
Because once we had time to think, we looked at ourselves and understood that we were not
capable of raising a child. Not financially, not physically, and most certainly not mentally
prepared to properly raise a person. Do not get me wrong though, we both wanted to. It just
certainly was not the time.

We would not want our child to think they were inadequate or not
properly loved just because their about-to-be parents “weren’t ready.” We most certainly did not want them to have to go through the burden and pressure of their parents sacrificing everything for them, and therefore feeling like they must do good. We would not want them to grow up knowing that their parents had no idea how to raise someone properly, and unable to end a cycle of generational trauma.

By the time we realized we would carry through with the abortion, we had a very constrained
timeframe because we needed to carry out the procedure before a certain key event. That kind
of rush usually prompts people to look for the fastest way to get an abortion.

Through we did our surface-level research, we found out that medical abortion is a thing, and that I did not have to go through any form of underground surgery here in the Philippines. Which gave us a sigh of relief,
but the question then became the acquisition of Mifepristone and Misoprostol.

We checked Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and even stumbled upon Women Help Women & Women on Web. However,
because of the time constraint, we considered that the shipping could take some time. And with
some of the sources and sellers from social media, we realized that some of them were too
good to be true. You just kind of build a hunch that they prey on desperation and fear. None of
them even provided reliable information. So we slowed it down, took a deep breath, and dug
deeper.

In retrospect though, I could not shake off that feeling of sadness. Initially I did not feel free at
all. I did not feel relieved.. And that scared me even more, because I knew carrying that kind of
feeling into the procedure could affect everything. It made me question myself. And then I
realized something I did not expect.
I had been so used to feeling alone. So used to my own solitude that when I found out I was
pregnant, a part of me held onto this thought: finally, I’m not alone anymore. I have something
inside me. And for the first time, I did not feel empty. That thought stayed. It sat in my mind and
made everything harder. It made me hesitate. Until now, I still do not know if that was just
hormones or something deeper inside me. Maybe it was both. But what I do know is that it was
real.
Even then, the fear never left. It felt like there were two parts of me fighting each other the wholetime.

One part of me wanted to hold on.
The other knew I was not ready.
I felt like I was on a sinking ship. And my choices were either to stay there and try to survive on
my own, or let someone save me before I drowned.

And I chose to be saved.

I realized something important: I was never really alone. Not in the way I thought. I had my
boyfriend. I had someone who stayed, who cared, who did not leave me to deal with everything by myself.

And that realization helped me decide. I did not choose abortion just because I was
afraid. Fear alone is not enough. I chose it because I finally understood that even without the pregnancy, I was not alone.
And that made all the difference.

It was 11 p.m. that night when we were looking at abortion stories in the Philippines. We vividly
remember clicking on Project486 because it surprisingly had stories based on our hometown,
apart from the plethora of other stories originating from other cities/places in the Philippines.

That was when it felt like not all hope was lost, and for the first time, our hope lit up more. We
read countless stories, testimonies, and proof from their webpage, and we decided to send
them an email. Not even a few hours later, they had already responded. That was when we
heard of Doctor John. He was very accommodating, very understanding, and a professional with extreme patience.

I know that for situations like these, a lot of uncertainty and questions build up. That is how I
imagine most of us at the start have this unshakeable feeling of ambiguity. After all, in a country
where abortion is illegal, these things were never really taught to us in school (except maybe for
other courses), made broad public knowledge, or documented.

In light of this, Doctor John gave us extensive information about medical abortion: what to
expect, what the procedure is, how it is going to go, what the medicines are, what legitimate
mifepristone and misoprostol look like, how they work hand-in-hand, frequently asked questions,
research that proves how medical abortion works, and why it is safe. Initially, it did take me and
my partner a while to understand everything, but in a situation where everything is uncertain, I am just glad we were educated along the process.

As for the procedure, it went smooth sailing for the first two days. But as you can imagine, if you
have read the other stories and testimonies, shit goes down by the third day, and this is
completely normal. I cannot fully explain what it felt like after taking misoprostol. It was messy, it
was painful, but all was to be expected because we were informed of what was to happen
beforehand. For those people who are reading this, it will get ugly. The doctor even provided
some stuff we needed to prepare exactly for certain situations and for my comfort.

After the third day’s regimen, I guess one of the hardest parts for us was the waiting game. The
POC (product of conception} did not come out immediately, but still, the timeframe given to us
was spot on. Eventually, the very fleshy POC came out. We continued documenting every other
discharge or pregnancy tissues that would come out to make sure of things. Even during my
recovery stage weeks after, the doctor was kind enough to answer our queries and provide
guidance for recovery purposes.

Overall, my partner and I got to breathe a sigh of relief once the doctor confirmed that I was no
longer pregnant, and that the procedure was a success. Along with that relief was a whole lot of
processing. At the time, it had not exactly loaded in our heads that the abortion was a success.

I am deeply grateful to the people behind this procedure. To my boyfriend, who never got tired of taking care of me, who stayed up the whole night just watching over me and making sure I was okay; you are appreciated more than you know.

To Doctor John, thank you for being there every
step of the way. For answering all our questions, for guiding us before and after everything, and
for your kindness. I will never forget that.

And to the Project486 team: thank you for doing this. For helping women like me. I honestly
cannot imagine where we would be without all of you. Thank you for making abortion accessible
here in our country. Thank you for risking your safety just so people like me can be safe.
For those of you who have read this far and are in need of help, why not do it with the best
science has to offer? The World Health Organization listed mifepristone and misoprostol as “essential medicines”. We know how you feel, and you are not alone. In a country where
medication abortion is inaccessible, this gives people who want to consider an abortion this kind of FOMO, this unshakeable feeling of fear and uncertainty. You might carry that along with you
during the medication procedure, but you can take our word for it that you will get the help that
you need here, as people who have been in your shoes as well. Everything will be alright and
will eventually fall into place. You are in good hands with professionals like Doctor John, Alex,
and every person in Project486 operating as your pillars of hope. We are eternally grateful for
them and everything they have done to help countless Filipinas out there.

If you ask me if abortion is difficult, scary, and painful, the answer would be yes. All of it is true. I will not lie about that.
But what I can say is this: you can be scared and still get through it. And when you have the
right people around you, the fear does not disappear, but it becomes lighter. All because you
know you are in good hands.

The trust I gave to my boyfriend, to Doctor John, and to everyone in Project486 is the reason
everything went the way it did. It is the reason I made it through. And in the end, it was worth it.
Before all of this, I thought I would be left with regret, guilt, or a sense of loss.

But I did not feel any of that.
What I felt… was FREEDOM