October 30, 2017
Cam, 20, Call Center Agent
Pasig City, Metro Manila

The first three days of my delayed period, I wasn’t too worried. I have regular menstruation but sometimes, I get my period earlier or later than my last date of period. Then a week came and I started to worry. Whenever I pee, I expect to see something in my panties but it was never there. It’s over a week when I decided to ask my boyfriend to buy me a pregnancy test. And to my greatest horror, it came out positive. I was still in-denial about it though because the other line was faded.

Despite me saying I may not be pregnant, I know I am. I never miss my period for over a week (I keep a period calendar) and I’m never as tired and sluggish as I am at that moment.
The first time I saw the result, I remember not crying. I should have because to me, pregnancy is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me. It’s definitely not part of my plan, and I don’t even like kids! I’ve been stupid to think we’ll always get away with it. We never really used any sort of protection for over a year of our relationship that I was convinced one of us is impotent, and that one is me. Alas, I was wrong.

So I began this thorough hunt of ‘home-remedies’ to induce miscarriage. I’ve eaten a lot of papaya, pineapple, 3 bottles of Vitamin C, I started lifting heavy stuff but to no avail. Still no period. I saw a blogpost about vitamin c and dong quai and parsley infusion and decided to give that a try as well.
3 days after and the pills are gone and there’s still no period. That’s when I cried for the first time. I cried in anger, frustration, regret, anxiety and stress. I cannot do this. I know I can’t. I’m not interested in having a child, ever. People say I’ll change my mind sooner or later but I don’t see it happening.

On the email where I found the instructions for Dong Quai, I saw the project48 email and the woman said to have a backup plan, just in case. Of course, I didn’t want a backup plan. I wanted it to work. But turns out I will need it more than ever.

When I emailed them, I was overwhelmed with the instructions and things I needed to answer. I found myself postponing taking another pregnancy test. I was still hoping the Dong Quai would still have it’s effect. After almost a week of waiting, the worry once again started to gnaw on me. And that’s when I decided I should just get it over with. The first thing I noticed when I emailed them is that they didn’t give me the price right away. I’ve texted a lot of sellers of those drugs and they just gave me the option for kits and the price and will say the instructions will come after. Project486 took time knowing my background and had a real conversation with me. Someone talked to me on the phone explaining the rationale for each and every step. By then, I was convinced I have nothing to worry about.

The day finally came and I dreaded the procedure. They told me to relax and think of happy things but it’s almost impossible to do that. So when I started drinking the first med, all I did was sleep sleep and sleep. It was amazing how much I slept that day. I also wanted to make sure I will not throw up otherwise I will have to drink it again to make sure it will work. Then comes the vaginal insert. I was worried sick because I didn’t know where to put it. I don’t know if it will stay in the right place or if I even left it at the correct place. Everything about this procedure had me worrying my brains out.

After an hour, I started to feel intense pain. I always have dysmenorrhea but this is nothing compared to what I go through every month. The pain was insistent and doesn’t go away. I had to convince myself that this is okay because it means it is working. The hardest part was to keep the same position despite the discomfort. It was agonizing and probably the worst 8 hours of my life. Then when it was time to move, I couldn’t find a position that works for me.
I remember the sensation when I was releasing the embryo. I was standing up then and a big chunk of sort of blood just gushed out of my vagina. I knew right away that was it. When they confirmed I can go back to my normal diet, I felt a surge or relief with a pang of guilt. I was raised to believe what I did is really bad. But I just comforted myself with the thought that this is for the best. I can’t raise a child. I can’t become a mother and I believe it is cruel to just let the baby live just because that’s what the society dictated me to do.
I know what I did was irresponsible but the least that I could get from this experience is the lesson. I will be more responsible next time and I will definitely not let this happen again.

The cramps that I continuously feel reminds me of what I’ve done. But I know it’s for the best and I’ll be able to move forward and get on with my life after this. I’d like to extend my sincerest gratitude to Project 486 because they were there every step of the way and didn’t let me down.

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A Patient’s Reflection on her Medical Abortion (pills used: Mifepristone and Misoprostol / Cytotec) in the Philippines (entry #42)