May 21, 2017

Lisa A., 18, Student

San Mateo, Rizal, Philippines

Hello sir alex . Goodeve po.
Eto napo yung reflection ko.
Pakichange nalang po yung name and location po. Maraming maraming salamat po sa inyo. pasensya napo kung napakahaba. Ito po kase yung paraan ko para malabas ko po yung sakit thankyou po.
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I remember my LMP ( february 22,2017) When I found out that I was pregnant, I was shock. I was so scared, worried and depressed all at the same time. I am very young. Were not still ready for this. Im scared, if my parents/ specially my father find out about it they will surely be mad . My father will kill me and my boyfriend too. and I dont want that happen. They have a high expectation to me. And I have so many dreams to fulfill first, and I know I can’t support my baby financially if were going to let the baby born. So I was so desperate to do an abortion. I am in my 4weeks of pregnancy

I tried to drink 12pcs of cortals with a softdrinks. But nothing happen. Im losing my hope by that time. Im so stressed and depressed. Im skipping my foods at night or day.
Im about to commit suicide. But my boyfriend told me “How’s your dream, if you will be going to kill yourself. We will just let it born”
Im crying that night and don’t know what to do and he tried to calm me down. The day after that im still trying to search a way of inducing miscarriage. I overdose my self with Vitamin C .

But there’s nothing happen until Im in my 8 weeks of pregnancy. My mother ask me if I have my mens na daw. I said “yes. Last week pa” I lied to her. Because I am very scared . When she found out it.
she always monitoring me. So everytime when we see each other she always asking me. Maybe she’s not satisfied in my answer. So she did away. She discovered . My PT in my drawer. And then I lied again. I denied it.

But she and tita(the mother of my bf) talked about it. And mama told to her. That I am pregnant. And mama told her to ask me if its true and don’t be scared to say the truth.
And then weeks passed. Tita ask me about my mens. We talked about it with my bf.
Im 10 months preggy the day we tell the truth
Then they decided to abort it.
My mother ask help to my sister to searched for possible ways to do miscarriage.

So to make the long story short,
My mother gave me a piece of paper told me to contact Project 486 and tell about my situation.
I didn’t contact it pa. Cause I don’t have idea if what is that. I searched it in the google then I found out the reflection of the women who undergo in abortion.
and then, I sent Project 486 an email asking for help. I knew that the longer the pregnancy goes, the harder it would be for me to get rid of it.

After sending some details that Im almost 10 months pregnant, then I checked my email. Then I saw they have a reply na. I read it and Sir Alex told me to hurry. I read the details he sent to me. Then he assigned me to my phone consultant sir john. He told me everything that I need to know about medical abortion. Of course at first I had doubts but they made sure that they already told me everything that may happen and what should I do. I should have my ultrasound first daw. Then I emailed the result. Im already 12 weeks that time (May 17,2017). I am afraid because im in my second trimester. And sir john told me that I have nothing to be afraid of. He told me that we should hurry to have the medicine by that week. Then Wenesday We send the payment. And Sir john told me to start my Day 1(thursday May18.2017) Then we got the medicine by that day.

I started to eat low folate foods.
And then 12pm I take the first pill which is mifepristone. And I felt nothing when I take it.

The next day (May 19.2017)
I felt hungry. And it was never easy. To eat low folate foods because Im matakaw. And Specially the fasting.

3rd day its Miso day(May 20)
I need to fast for 18 hrs. Instead 6:00 am my vaginal miso it became 18 because im waiting to my companion. So that I have to adjust the schedule. That was not easy for me.

After inserting it. I feel the pain It’s not the normal pain for me. It’s too hard for me.
I felt too much pain. So that Im stressing my self that time and so I cried. You know the feeling when You really should avoid stress and then suddenly ending up having all kinds of stress at the same time. It was hard to do it. but sir john told me. I should be relaxed and stress-free.
I do the bucal miso. By 12 pm instead of 10 am and a blood came. I still feel the pain.

4pm when I take the last bucal. And sir john told me that I can stand and walk na.
Exactly when Im going to stand I feel pain like dysmenorrhea but it’s not only like that .

When Im going to hop I felt a big came out to my diaper. And It’s my baby. I cried to the cr. When I saw him he’s almost formed.
I was confused. I dont know whether to feel happy or be guilty.
And then I send the pictures of my POC’s to sir Alex .
And after they evaluate it.
Sir john text me that I am now officially not pregnant.
I felt range of emotions, like depression, sadness, loss, guilt and even blaming myself for what I did. At the same way I felt relief knowing that I succeed.

To my unborn Baby boy

Baby I’m very sorry for what mommy did to you.
I love you so much even though I didn’t hug you and hold you. But Im carrying you for almost Three months. You are here in me for three months. You holding in my tummy but mommy do this to you. Im sorry baby
I did this to you because mommy’s situation is not yet stable. Mommy did not yet finish studies. So
Please forgive me/us baby for doing this to you.
I know your almost formed. You completedly formed. And you are a baby boy
Mommy felt guilt for what I did to you. I hope someday if Mommy finish her studies and have stable life with daddy I hope you will come back to us baby. Dont be mad at me/us. This can’t be happening again.
Im always praying for you my baby.
I promise to you baby if you come back to us in the right time. I will let you born and feel how life is.
And I will love you forever. You always have a part in my heart. And it will never lost forever my baby boy.
Your my angel. Please always guide me nalang baby wherever you are now. You are my angel. I will never forget you my babyboy.
Youre always here in my heart and mind.
I loveyouverymuch my Babyboy. May you rest in peace baby.
Please understand me . Im asking for forgiveness to you. Specially to God who gave you to us . But we did’nt let you born.
Hope you will understand the reason why mommy did this.
We love you baby. I love you so much😭😭😭😭

Love, Mommy,Daddy,Lola’s and tita’s

Lastly,
I would like to thank.
Project 486 specially to sir john and sir alex who never failed to monitor me at this difficult situation of mine. I asked sir john a lot of questions and never failed to answer me. Their guidance was priceless. They gave me much of their time.
I will always be thankful to project486, specially to my concern consultant sir john”stress-free” 😂😂 thank you so much po for helping me. Alam nyo po kung gano ako kakulit magtanong pero wala kapong sawang sagutin ito. Salamat po ng marami. Sa binigay nyong oras at tulong sakin.
If it weren’t through project486 I would still be in great trouble.
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I am officially not pregnant(May20.2017). But
the procedure and the things I did to my baby. Is still in my mind and heart. I know this I am not fully recovered but I need to continue the chapter of my life. Even though it hurts. That God gave me a baby at the wrong time .
But still Im Asking forgiveness to God and To my Baby 😭😭😭