Abortion in Baguio: We relied too much on my ‘suspected’ PCOS , pull-out method, and the numerous negative PT (entry # 161)

Abortion Pills in Baguio City

 

 

My name is Ryn, and this is my story.

It has been 3 days since I underwent a procedure that I never imagined I would have actually done. This may have just given me another chance in life and indeed, a very big lesson for me to carry all throughout my life.

I am a third year college student already due for OJT and my goodness I was so damn excited and have made so many plans made during this new step in my life. Especially since I am already delayed by one year because of the pandemic, and the pain and shame of watching my batchmates attend their OJT and already preparing for graduation intensified those feelings. Now imagine what I felt when I took that pregnancy test and a second line appeared… My world stopped, all I can think about is, oh the shame of being delayed because I can’t survive studying in front of a screen and now? delayed because of a pregnancy from pre-marital sex. From an overachiever highschool student to an irregular student to a pregnant 22-year old immature person. Its karma. Its punishment. Its shameful.

How selfish right? How can I treat what I made, with my own decision with such negative thoughts. Especially since there are so many couples who can’t concieve. I admit that what we did was irresponsible because we relied on my ‘suspected’ PCOS condition, pull-out method, and the numerous negative PT results but the time came where we actually slipped up.

The feelings that I felt when I got those two red lines is not the feelings that I would want to feel when I am finally ready to have a child. I do not want to bring a child in the world where I, myself is a child, I may be 22 years old but I only had work experience under my relatives and never had a real job, I do not consider myself as responsible enough to be responsible to the life of another being. Yes I have my partner who has a job but once again I do not want to bring the child in the world where my first reaction was all negative and all I can think about is how I messed up. So yes I searched for abortion and made up my mind that I will undergo this procedure.

Continuing from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I immediately searched for abortion sites within our area and one site popped up – Women’s first – I reached out to them and they asked for my phone number, okay so I provided my partner’s number. You know the first thing they asked? “Bayad muna” and then they ended the call. My partner was very reluctant but with my desperation I urged him to reach out again and we sent 3,000 pesos via Gcash. However, I felt deep inside that they actually do not put women first, they put their greed and scams vulnerable people with their fake promise of helping them – they never actually stated that they will help us it was like I was conversing with a robot with not a hint of care for his client. So I searched once again and I stumbled upon this site- PRJCT486.com- with a story, a testament and I reached out and my goodness the immediate feeling of not being alone was there.

This sense of support continued all througout the process of my procedure and Dr JJ endured all my nagging questions and my partner’s outburst.

With this, I would like to thank Alex and Dr. JJ for their overwhelming support the moment that I sent my plea. I immediately felt that they were willing to help me, Dr. JJ even adjusted his time for me to have a consultation despite me being late to our consultation. I even requested for a modified timetable for the procedure to be done from 8am to 4pm and again he provided.

My experience during the procedure were smooth at the first and second day just some nausea and dizziness. However, the third day was the most agonizing experience for me and even thinking about it now just makes me weak. The first half of the 8 hrs was very painful in my experience and I was having fever and chills thankfully my partner was with me and he was able to update Dr. JJ with every event that went on. Then at near end of the 8 hrs, I felt him come out (i dreamt it was a he), I genuinely didn’t feel any emotions (yet) at those moments all I could think about was my pain was finally done.

My partner and I then cleaned and laid him to the box that will serve as his resting place. We placed our letter together with a rosary as we pray the God may protect him during his travel back to heaven. We did this out of love of what we made, in our culture, spirits visiting the living is very possible and we made sure to give him a proper send off and we pray that he might forgive us one day.

Following that day was just the continuation of pain in the my uterus similar to a dysmennorhea but it was a painful reminder of what we have done. Remember when I told you that I did not feel any emotions when I felt him come out? Because it finally came the next night, I cried and cried and cried hard. all the guilt, shame and fear of what I have just done was so intense and I was constantly asking for forgiveness and prayed to him my reasons, I pray that in in his next life he will be born to a much deserving parents who will be prepared emotionally, mentally and of course financially. I prayed that he will forgive us for bringing him into this world too soon and returning him too right after. I prayed that God will take care of him. I pray that we did the right thing.

After that emotional breakdown, came relief, it was done, I thank you my child for letting me go. I will continue my journey to better prepare myself if you ever wish to come back to us and I hope when you do I will finally look at the PT with two red lines with beaming happiness ready to take full responsibilty and welcome you to the world.

I believe that I wrote most of the things my heart wants to say. Just like what Dr. JJ told me I have a first-hand experience of what I have undergone and my message to the ladies that have the same situation as me, this will be a very long yet short process, I assure you that Dr. JJ will help you and I hope that we would be more responsible now.

Once again, Dr. JJ, thank you for giving me another chance in life. Thank you for never judging me. How I wish I could show you in the future what I will achieve because of this chance that you gave me.

To my fellow women who stumbles upon this post and will or has experienced what I experienced, I hope we learn our leesson and practice safe sex.

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